Lately there has been something missing from TX and I DD relationship and because I have a very hard time telling him anything when it comes to DD (yes even after 12 years) I really haven't said much to him except through my daily journal writings to him. I have been having a really hard time pinning down the exact right words to say until today that is! For the most part TX is very consistent with me when it comes to disciplining me when I break one of the various rules we have set in place and for the most part everything during the spanking session is right on target as far as lecture, punishment , CT etc.....but for me there is still something missing.
Last night is a prime example of what is truly missing from our DD relationship and from his point of view I am sure he thinks everything is fine and dandy but from my point of view it is not. Yesterday I forgot to write my journal writing to him (rule broken) and then I didn't complete my food journal (another rule broken) so I knew that would result in a discipline. Usually TX wants to take care of the matter right after work because if we wait , have dinner, talk and relax then we end up to tired later in the evening to get it done. Last night was different and TX never said a word about ANYTHING so I just left it alone to see what would happen. Well we ended up falling asleep in bed until 11 p.m. , waking up to get ready for bed and all of a sudden he wants to spank me when I am half asleep and he is more than half asleep so I say "Can't we just wait until tomorrow night" and he agrees.
Now really in my mind what I want him to do is take TOTAL CONTROL of the situation and tell me that he is HOH and he makes the decisions therefore I am getting my spanking now....period the end but do you think I could have it that easy? Hell No!! I was so furious last night that I wanted to be a BIG BRAT but I didn't ...I just held everything inside and went to sleep silently crying. Now in TX defense he would tell me that he was RESPECTING MY WISHES that I am to tired to deal with a spanking and he wouldn't see a problem with doing that and postponing it until the next night but in my opinion I am still CONTROLLING THE RELATIONSHIP when he allows this! We have had many discussions on this very problem we have been having for awhile and the conclusion is he thinks this is out of respect for me and why would he want to FORCE me into doing anything I wouldn't want to do because I am tired!
So in conclusion I feel this is the very reason why I brat a whole lot and keep on breaking the same rules over and over and over again. I feel that he isn't taking enough control and when he doesn't take control then I just break a rule here and there, I get spanked for it and all is well for a few days until the next incident but nothing really is ever resolved. It's very irritating and frustrating to me but to him it's NO BIG DEAL! I feel that it's a very big deal when it effects me the way it does .....I stew over it for days and days until I can't take anymore and I start breaking rules (to get his attention I feel) and when that doesn't work I then just blow up in his face over it and he is like "Whoa where did that come from" .....well if you were LISTENING to me then you would know where it came from you doofus is what I REALLY feel like saying to him! Today I actually told him how I truly felt in my daily journal to him so hopefully he won't ignore it and we will talk about it and get it resolved once and for all because I truly can't take much more of it.
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5 months ago