Saturday, October 5, 2013

Going Through A Rough Phase

Well I have been struggling to write my feelings down with anything relating to DD or D/s and that is why I have not written a post. TX and I have been on a different page lately and as much as I hate to admit it I have been a BRAT and getting spankings around here have been on a daily basis for me lately :(  I am going through something which I am not sure if it's normal or not but with TTWD define normal?

I have been going through this phase where I just don't want to please TX and it's been a rough ride for both of us although a rougher ride for my butt. I blame my past but I need to get over the past because I am in the present with a wonderful guy who loves me for me and who accepts everything about me even my bratty behavior at times. I am truly having a hard time with submitting and I am trying to do what he asks of me but for some reason I just don't want to give in to him easily or without a fight.

Last night I got into trouble again for not turning in my 4 p.m. journal writing and what was my excuse? I didn't feel like it! I mean what is wrong with me? I even couldn't believe that I was trying to spout off excuses to TX because I know him well enough to where he doesn't take excuses at all period. In fact he will spank me harder and longer for using dumb excuses like the ones I tried last night. He basically told me he is sick and tired of hearing the excuses and to STOP using them!!!

After the spanking was over I walked away very angry and not feeling right at all and I knew something wasn't right because usually I walk away from a spanking feeling content and happy that TX took a stand and put me in my place :) I didn't communicate my feelings to him and just decided to try and deal with it myself .....BIG MISTAKE! I have a hard time communicating my feelings to TX and he gets pretty frustrated with me ....heck I would get frustrated with me too! I think I walked away angry because I feel that my excuses are valid reasons and TX disagrees with me and I am trying to be submissive and see his side but it's NOT WORKING for me.

So because I was angry I allowed my bad feelings to fester for the rest of the night and when that happens it never ends well for me. I withdrew from TX , told him to leave me alone and pouted which is never good for my butt. It's like I have been getting into these awful moods and I can't shake them and TX gets frustrated because all I can tell him is to "Leave me alone" and in turn that makes him feel rejected. I don't do it on purpose and I hate myself when I do it and I feel so guilty for days afterwards.

Well last night he had just about had it with me although he never acted angry (TX is a pretty calm and collective guy and in the 12 years I have known him he has never yelled at me or been angry towards me) he told me to flip over in bed because he had every intention of spanking me with the evil paddle he had in his hand. I have NEVER refused a spanking but I did this time and I just made things worse on myself.

I don't think he could believe that I had actually refused to turn over on my tummy when he had asked me too. Heck I couldn't believe I did it either :( So he asked me again to please flip over and so I did. I didn't want to make it any worse than I already had. He gave me 10 good licks with the paddle and I was in tears not so much from the pain of the spanking but from disappointing him and I was also disappointed in myself.

A mix of DD and D/s have been in my life for a little over 20 years and I don't think it has gotten any easier for me to deal with on occasions. I feel that you have to work harder at your relationship when you introduce DD into the equation but that is my personal opinion and from my personal experiences. TX and I have our good moments , bad moments and rough moments with it but it's something that neither one of us would give up on. TX needs this in the relationship just as much as I do. I need the control in my life and I have always needed that and that is the reason why all of my relationships consisted of some sort of D/s or DD in them. I grew up in a DD household so for me this has been the "norm" all my life. Once I get over this hurdle of not wanting to please TX things will be back to normal for us. I just hate myself when I act this way :( Once TX punishes me for something he forgives and forgets but it's not that easy for me. I tend to stay mad at myself for awhile over it but I am getting better but I am definitely a work in progress :)

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Power Struggle?

Feeling really irritated at myself and wondering what in the world is wrong with me? I want to be able to take a good spanking like a big girl and without tears but truly I think what is going on is a power struggle between TX and I. For me being a strong and independent woman is important but it's also very important to TX as well because if something happens to him he doesn't want me to be helpless.  So when I show my emotional side during a punishment then I feel vulnerable and weak therefore I sometimes will go into a head space in order to block out being emotional but then I feel I am controlling the situation and I don't want to do that. Because I have a very high pain tolerance I have a very hard time crying just from the pain of a spanking BUT what does get me very emotional during a punishment is knowing what I did to disappoint TX as that bothers me the most and I am usually very upset emotionally before the spanking even starts. I have discussed this with TX and whether I cry or not does not bother him because if I have earned a spanking then he said he will administer it and then all is forgiven and I have a clean slate and the incident that got me in trouble is put behind us. 

I guess I don't want to feel like I am controlling the situation by not crying as I don't want TX to think I am not sorry or I just don't care because that is not the case. There have been times where I feel he should have spanked me longer or harder because I didn't feel sorry enough and I have told him so and he would oblige and spank me longer or harder until he felt I was sorry. Now some would look at that as me " controlling" the punishment but TX wants me to tell him if I feel I need more because he has a hard time knowing how much is enough because of my high pain tolerance. Now if I am crying and an emotional mess then it's easier for him to see that I have learned my lesson and then I don't need to tell him if I need more because usually I don't when I am very emotional. Now I am not allowed to tell him I have had enough because he decides that and I respect him enough NOT to try and control that in our relationship. I just want to be submissive as possible and I feel that with this issue I am not being submissive but TX doesn't see it that way so I guess I am just worrying for nothing? I try to strive to be the best wife to TX as possible and sometimes I feel like I am failing but he always encourages me and tells me I am not failing so that makes me feel better :) I do think a lot of the way I feel is due to my first marriage that failed and that is why I am always checking myself and making sure that I am doing what is right in my marriage now! 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Strap And Paddle , Oh My!!!

Yesterday was a pretty good day but I woke up in a rotten mood and I could not for the life of me figure out why? I knew I had to get through the day but I knew how hard it was going to be to do that especially when I see TX all day since we both work from home. So I try to shrug off my bad mood and get ready for work and go downstairs and TX greets me with his smiley self and hands me my coffee and I think to myself "Michelle you are so lucky to have him". He asks me how I am feeling and I respond " I am fine". Now usually I talk his ear off while we are drinking our coffee together but I was quiet and he knew something was wrong!

We got through the day but I was still in a rotten mood at the end of the day and at dinner he started to question me again and I snapped and said ....."What in the hell do you expect from me?". Before I even realized what I had said he told me to go to the corner. And I replied "Are you kidding me?" Now when I am upset and feeling like I had been feeling all day I tend to get mouthy towards TX and that is what I was doing but it was the wrong thing to do. He said "Does it look like I am kidding?" I decided not to continue to challenge him further because I already knew I was in big trouble. So I silently went to the corner as instructed and waited. I started to quietly cry as I was coming to the realization what a BRAT I had been and I felt terrible. 

I could hear TX getting the implements ready that he was going to spank me with and I got nervous and thought to myself "Why Michelle , why do you have to challenge him?". As I am standing in the corner he comes up behind me and asks me "Chelle why are you in such a bad mood?" And of course without thinking I snap at him again and say "How should I know .......your the boss why don't you figure it out!!" Uh oh wrong thing to say especially when he has the razor strap in hand and after the last word came out of my mouth he applies one hard smack with that strap across the seat of my pants that got my attention. Tears roll down my cheeks and and I tell him that I am sorry but I am just so overwhelmed with work, family issues etc. but I know these excuses are not going to fly with him and he says "That is not an excuse to treat me with disrespect Chelle" I say "Yes Sir I realize that and I am really sorry". He says "Not as sorry as you are going to be after I spank you". 

He asked me to go into the middle of the living room where he had a dining room chair and told me to take off my jeans and panties and get into position over the chair and I reluctantly obeyed. As I was in position and what seemed like forever to feel the first smack of that dreaded strap I was thinking how dumb I had been to get into this position! After the first official smack of the strap he told me I would be getting 12 with the strap and 12 with the paddle .....gulp! I knew I deserved it but I wasn't accepting it and I said to him "Your mean to me" and he said that he is very disappointed in me and he planned on teaching me a good lesson. I took the first 12 of the strap pretty good but I was dreading that evil paddle :( He had me switch positions by taking the chair away and had me bending over touching my hands flat on the floor for the 12 swats of the paddle. 

He instructed me to count out each swat with a Thank you Sir and I was not happy about it but I dared not to disobey. As the first swat landed I said "One thank you Sir" and I thought how am I going to get through 11 more swats. As the second, third, fourth and fifth swat landed I am in tears and can barely compose myself so MG allows me to pull it together before he resumes with the rest of the paddling. After I was allowed to get it together I resumed the position for the last 7 swats which I had a VERY HARD time taking! When MG and I were first together I was able to manipulate my way out of a spanking or if I cried hard enough he would feel bad and reduce the number of swats but I no longer can do that and he doesn't care if I start crying or not because what he says he always follows through now. It used to bother me when he wouldn't follow through so it is a good thing that he now follows through but secretly I sometimes wish I could get out of a harsh spanking just because I don't feel like dealing with a harsh spanking but his view is "Then behave"! 

After the spanking I had to go back into the corner to reflect on why I had got into trouble and think about how I can prevent getting punished like that again and then MG and I cuddled and talked about things I could have done before having a complete melt down and getting punished for it. I tend to hold things in and try and handle things on my own because I don't want to bother MG with the issues because he has enough issues he is trying to handle so I want to ease his burden but as he has explained to me when I do that I am being counterproductive and eventually everything I have bottled up inside is going to explode and even though I didn't mean to snap at him and be disrespectful that is what happened and how I get into major trouble. I try to put this front on that I am this strong and confident woman who can DO IT ALL but then eventually it comes crashing down on me. MG is my husband and my help mate and I need to learn how to allow him to help me and as he has said we need to work as a team to help each other so this is something I am working hard on because there is nothing more rewarding to see in his eyes of how proud he is of me when I do things the right way :) 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Can someone who LOVES spanking actually be punished with spanking?

Do I liked to get spanked? Yes, but is it possible for someone who enjoys spanking actually be punished with spanking? In my case the answer is yes! I have been asked this question many times in the D/s and DD world and some get it and some don't get it. For me feeling punished isn't just through spanking alone as there are many other factors. When I have broken a rule and disappointed TX that alone is sometimes punishment enough for me although he would disagree I am sure ;) 

Throughout the years I have built up a high pain tolerance and it is what it is and it won't change therefore we have to figure out ways where spanking will work for me in order to change behaviors. TX and I have been together long enough to where he has figured me out and figured out ways to punish me where it will effect me and I am very thankful to have an HOH who can do that for me. Sometimes he can have me in tears even before a spanking will start because I feel so bad for disappointing him and to see the hurt in his eyes is enough to bring me to tears. 

We do what works for us in TTWD and what works for us is when I feel like I need a spanking I will ask for a maintenance spanking and he obliges but when I have broken a rule then he decides the punishment and I have no say in that. Sometimes I want spanked for stress relief and other times I just need to feel his control and dominance so I will ask for a spanking and then other times I just want a nice good girl spanking :) So just because someone loves to get spanked doesn't mean that they can't be punished with spanking , at least not in my case :) 

Monday, August 19, 2013

New to the blogging world but not new to DD

My name Is Michelle and I have been married to a wonderful guy for 7 years. We have been in a DD type relationship for 12 years now, 5 years while dating and we carried it over into our marriage of 7 years and counting :) I will call my husband "TX" when referring to him as to keep some anonymity.  This blog will be about the challenges going from a D/s relationship into a DD type relationship although we do keep a mix of the two in our relationship that seems to work for us. It has always been my desire to have this type of relationship with a man I would fall deeply in love with and when I met TX it was love at first sight and everything else just fell into place. Our story is a complicated one but it's a true love story :) 

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