Well I have been struggling to write my feelings down with anything relating to DD or D/s and that is why I have not written a post. TX and I have been on a different page lately and as much as I hate to admit it I have been a BRAT and getting spankings around here have been on a daily basis for me lately :( I am going through something which I am not sure if it's normal or not but with TTWD define normal?
I have been going through this phase where I just don't want to please TX and it's been a rough ride for both of us although a rougher ride for my butt. I blame my past but I need to get over the past because I am in the present with a wonderful guy who loves me for me and who accepts everything about me even my bratty behavior at times. I am truly having a hard time with submitting and I am trying to do what he asks of me but for some reason I just don't want to give in to him easily or without a fight.
Last night I got into trouble again for not turning in my 4 p.m. journal writing and what was my excuse? I didn't feel like it! I mean what is wrong with me? I even couldn't believe that I was trying to spout off excuses to TX because I know him well enough to where he doesn't take excuses at all period. In fact he will spank me harder and longer for using dumb excuses like the ones I tried last night. He basically told me he is sick and tired of hearing the excuses and to STOP using them!!!
After the spanking was over I walked away very angry and not feeling right at all and I knew something wasn't right because usually I walk away from a spanking feeling content and happy that TX took a stand and put me in my place :) I didn't communicate my feelings to him and just decided to try and deal with it myself .....BIG MISTAKE! I have a hard time communicating my feelings to TX and he gets pretty frustrated with me ....heck I would get frustrated with me too! I think I walked away angry because I feel that my excuses are valid reasons and TX disagrees with me and I am trying to be submissive and see his side but it's NOT WORKING for me.
So because I was angry I allowed my bad feelings to fester for the rest of the night and when that happens it never ends well for me. I withdrew from TX , told him to leave me alone and pouted which is never good for my butt. It's like I have been getting into these awful moods and I can't shake them and TX gets frustrated because all I can tell him is to "Leave me alone" and in turn that makes him feel rejected. I don't do it on purpose and I hate myself when I do it and I feel so guilty for days afterwards.
Well last night he had just about had it with me although he never acted angry (TX is a pretty calm and collective guy and in the 12 years I have known him he has never yelled at me or been angry towards me) he told me to flip over in bed because he had every intention of spanking me with the evil paddle he had in his hand. I have NEVER refused a spanking but I did this time and I just made things worse on myself.
I don't think he could believe that I had actually refused to turn over on my tummy when he had asked me too. Heck I couldn't believe I did it either :( So he asked me again to please flip over and so I did. I didn't want to make it any worse than I already had. He gave me 10 good licks with the paddle and I was in tears not so much from the pain of the spanking but from disappointing him and I was also disappointed in myself.
A mix of DD and D/s have been in my life for a little over 20 years and I don't think it has gotten any easier for me to deal with on occasions. I feel that you have to work harder at your relationship when you introduce DD into the equation but that is my personal opinion and from my personal experiences. TX and I have our good moments , bad moments and rough moments with it but it's something that neither one of us would give up on. TX needs this in the relationship just as much as I do. I need the control in my life and I have always needed that and that is the reason why all of my relationships consisted of some sort of D/s or DD in them. I grew up in a DD household so for me this has been the "norm" all my life. Once I get over this hurdle of not wanting to please TX things will be back to normal for us. I just hate myself when I act this way :( Once TX punishes me for something he forgives and forgets but it's not that easy for me. I tend to stay mad at myself for awhile over it but I am getting better but I am definitely a work in progress :)
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5 months ago