Feeling really irritated at myself and wondering what in the world is wrong with me? I want to be able to take a good spanking like a big girl and without tears but truly I think what is going on is a power struggle between TX and I. For me being a strong and independent woman is important but it's also very important to TX as well because if something happens to him he doesn't want me to be helpless. So when I show my emotional side during a punishment then I feel vulnerable and weak therefore I sometimes will go into a head space in order to block out being emotional but then I feel I am controlling the situation and I don't want to do that. Because I have a very high pain tolerance I have a very hard time crying just from the pain of a spanking BUT what does get me very emotional during a punishment is knowing what I did to disappoint TX as that bothers me the most and I am usually very upset emotionally before the spanking even starts. I have discussed this with TX and whether I cry or not does not bother him because if I have earned a spanking then he said he will administer it and then all is forgiven and I have a clean slate and the incident that got me in trouble is put behind us.
I guess I don't want to feel like I am controlling the situation by not crying as I don't want TX to think I am not sorry or I just don't care because that is not the case. There have been times where I feel he should have spanked me longer or harder because I didn't feel sorry enough and I have told him so and he would oblige and spank me longer or harder until he felt I was sorry. Now some would look at that as me " controlling" the punishment but TX wants me to tell him if I feel I need more because he has a hard time knowing how much is enough because of my high pain tolerance. Now if I am crying and an emotional mess then it's easier for him to see that I have learned my lesson and then I don't need to tell him if I need more because usually I don't when I am very emotional. Now I am not allowed to tell him I have had enough because he decides that and I respect him enough NOT to try and control that in our relationship. I just want to be submissive as possible and I feel that with this issue I am not being submissive but TX doesn't see it that way so I guess I am just worrying for nothing? I try to strive to be the best wife to TX as possible and sometimes I feel like I am failing but he always encourages me and tells me I am not failing so that makes me feel better :) I do think a lot of the way I feel is due to my first marriage that failed and that is why I am always checking myself and making sure that I am doing what is right in my marriage now!
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