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Power Struggle?

Feeling really irritated at myself and wondering what in the world is wrong with me? I want to be able to take a good spanking like a big girl and without tears but truly I think what is going on is a power struggle between TX and I. For me being a strong and independent woman is important but it's also very important to TX as well because if something happens to him he doesn't want me to be helpless.  So when I show my emotional side during a punishment then I feel vulnerable and weak therefore I sometimes will go into a head space in order to block out being emotional but then I feel I am controlling the situation and I don't want to do that. Because I have a very high pain tolerance I have a very hard time crying just from the pain of a spanking BUT what does get me very emotional during a punishment is knowing what I did to disappoint TX as that bothers me the most and I am usually very upset emotionally before the spanking even starts. I have discussed this with TX and whether I cry or not does not bother him because if I have earned a spanking then he said he will administer it and then all is forgiven and I have a clean slate and the incident that got me in trouble is put behind us. 

I guess I don't want to feel like I am controlling the situation by not crying as I don't want TX to think I am not sorry or I just don't care because that is not the case. There have been times where I feel he should have spanked me longer or harder because I didn't feel sorry enough and I have told him so and he would oblige and spank me longer or harder until he felt I was sorry. Now some would look at that as me " controlling" the punishment but TX wants me to tell him if I feel I need more because he has a hard time knowing how much is enough because of my high pain tolerance. Now if I am crying and an emotional mess then it's easier for him to see that I have learned my lesson and then I don't need to tell him if I need more because usually I don't when I am very emotional. Now I am not allowed to tell him I have had enough because he decides that and I respect him enough NOT to try and control that in our relationship. I just want to be submissive as possible and I feel that with this issue I am not being submissive but TX doesn't see it that way so I guess I am just worrying for nothing? I try to strive to be the best wife to TX as possible and sometimes I feel like I am failing but he always encourages me and tells me I am not failing so that makes me feel better :) I do think a lot of the way I feel is due to my first marriage that failed and that is why I am always checking myself and making sure that I am doing what is right in my marriage now! 

Comments

  1. I don't think you're being controlling at all... I mean I know I'm not in your relationship, but based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're working hard to be honest about your emotions within this. It also seems to me that the ability to be more vulnerable emotionally will come with time.

    Hoping that it's getting easier!!

    hugs,
    Bekah

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Bekah Jane and yes it's how I feel because TX says that I am not being controlling at all. He wants me to communicate my feelings to him and let him know what is wrong. I guess I just need to stop worrying about it lol :)

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  2. Hi Michelle.
    What matters here is if your HUSBAND thinks you are controlling. I have a very high tolerance for pain, so much so my husband often wonders what the point in in punishment. For me the key is what he says that puts me over the edge ( and I will admit in the almost year we have been doing this, it hasn't happened very much). Barney, my husband once said, " I need you to tell me if the spanking needs to be different, because if it is not working for you, than what is the point? " Sounds like your husband is similar.

    Tears rarely come out for me, so maybe personally you could not use them as a measuring stick of whether or not you are truly sorry? I don't know you, so I'm not sure if that is an accurate suggestion or not. I just know from experience that many women think that they HAVE to cry, and that puts added pressure on everyone.

    All of these, issues, they may cause speed bumps, but by talking them out, like you seem to be doing, things do even out.

    Good luck
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Hi Wilma ,
      Thanks for your advice and insight :) Your right the important thing is what my husband thinks and he has told me several times in our talks about this that he does not think I am being controlling at all. So this is my problem lol ....I just need to stop over analyzing the situation and go with it :)

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