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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Power Struggle?

Feeling really irritated at myself and wondering what in the world is wrong with me? I want to be able to take a good spanking like a big girl and without tears but truly I think what is going on is a power struggle between TX and I. For me being a strong and independent woman is important but it's also very important to TX as well because if something happens to him he doesn't want me to be helpless.  So when I show my emotional side during a punishment then I feel vulnerable and weak therefore I sometimes will go into a head space in order to block out being emotional but then I feel I am controlling the situation and I don't want to do that. Because I have a very high pain tolerance I have a very hard time crying just from the pain of a spanking BUT what does get me very emotional during a punishment is knowing what I did to disappoint TX as that bothers me the most and I am usually very upset emotionally before the spanking even starts. I have discussed this with TX and whether I cry or not does not bother him because if I have earned a spanking then he said he will administer it and then all is forgiven and I have a clean slate and the incident that got me in trouble is put behind us. 

I guess I don't want to feel like I am controlling the situation by not crying as I don't want TX to think I am not sorry or I just don't care because that is not the case. There have been times where I feel he should have spanked me longer or harder because I didn't feel sorry enough and I have told him so and he would oblige and spank me longer or harder until he felt I was sorry. Now some would look at that as me " controlling" the punishment but TX wants me to tell him if I feel I need more because he has a hard time knowing how much is enough because of my high pain tolerance. Now if I am crying and an emotional mess then it's easier for him to see that I have learned my lesson and then I don't need to tell him if I need more because usually I don't when I am very emotional. Now I am not allowed to tell him I have had enough because he decides that and I respect him enough NOT to try and control that in our relationship. I just want to be submissive as possible and I feel that with this issue I am not being submissive but TX doesn't see it that way so I guess I am just worrying for nothing? I try to strive to be the best wife to TX as possible and sometimes I feel like I am failing but he always encourages me and tells me I am not failing so that makes me feel better :) I do think a lot of the way I feel is due to my first marriage that failed and that is why I am always checking myself and making sure that I am doing what is right in my marriage now! 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Strap And Paddle , Oh My!!!

Yesterday was a pretty good day but I woke up in a rotten mood and I could not for the life of me figure out why? I knew I had to get through the day but I knew how hard it was going to be to do that especially when I see TX all day since we both work from home. So I try to shrug off my bad mood and get ready for work and go downstairs and TX greets me with his smiley self and hands me my coffee and I think to myself "Michelle you are so lucky to have him". He asks me how I am feeling and I respond " I am fine". Now usually I talk his ear off while we are drinking our coffee together but I was quiet and he knew something was wrong!

We got through the day but I was still in a rotten mood at the end of the day and at dinner he started to question me again and I snapped and said ....."What in the hell do you expect from me?". Before I even realized what I had said he told me to go to the corner. And I replied "Are you kidding me?" Now when I am upset and feeling like I had been feeling all day I tend to get mouthy towards TX and that is what I was doing but it was the wrong thing to do. He said "Does it look like I am kidding?" I decided not to continue to challenge him further because I already knew I was in big trouble. So I silently went to the corner as instructed and waited. I started to quietly cry as I was coming to the realization what a BRAT I had been and I felt terrible. 

I could hear TX getting the implements ready that he was going to spank me with and I got nervous and thought to myself "Why Michelle , why do you have to challenge him?". As I am standing in the corner he comes up behind me and asks me "Chelle why are you in such a bad mood?" And of course without thinking I snap at him again and say "How should I know .......your the boss why don't you figure it out!!" Uh oh wrong thing to say especially when he has the razor strap in hand and after the last word came out of my mouth he applies one hard smack with that strap across the seat of my pants that got my attention. Tears roll down my cheeks and and I tell him that I am sorry but I am just so overwhelmed with work, family issues etc. but I know these excuses are not going to fly with him and he says "That is not an excuse to treat me with disrespect Chelle" I say "Yes Sir I realize that and I am really sorry". He says "Not as sorry as you are going to be after I spank you". 

He asked me to go into the middle of the living room where he had a dining room chair and told me to take off my jeans and panties and get into position over the chair and I reluctantly obeyed. As I was in position and what seemed like forever to feel the first smack of that dreaded strap I was thinking how dumb I had been to get into this position! After the first official smack of the strap he told me I would be getting 12 with the strap and 12 with the paddle .....gulp! I knew I deserved it but I wasn't accepting it and I said to him "Your mean to me" and he said that he is very disappointed in me and he planned on teaching me a good lesson. I took the first 12 of the strap pretty good but I was dreading that evil paddle :( He had me switch positions by taking the chair away and had me bending over touching my hands flat on the floor for the 12 swats of the paddle. 

He instructed me to count out each swat with a Thank you Sir and I was not happy about it but I dared not to disobey. As the first swat landed I said "One thank you Sir" and I thought how am I going to get through 11 more swats. As the second, third, fourth and fifth swat landed I am in tears and can barely compose myself so MG allows me to pull it together before he resumes with the rest of the paddling. After I was allowed to get it together I resumed the position for the last 7 swats which I had a VERY HARD time taking! When MG and I were first together I was able to manipulate my way out of a spanking or if I cried hard enough he would feel bad and reduce the number of swats but I no longer can do that and he doesn't care if I start crying or not because what he says he always follows through now. It used to bother me when he wouldn't follow through so it is a good thing that he now follows through but secretly I sometimes wish I could get out of a harsh spanking just because I don't feel like dealing with a harsh spanking but his view is "Then behave"! 

After the spanking I had to go back into the corner to reflect on why I had got into trouble and think about how I can prevent getting punished like that again and then MG and I cuddled and talked about things I could have done before having a complete melt down and getting punished for it. I tend to hold things in and try and handle things on my own because I don't want to bother MG with the issues because he has enough issues he is trying to handle so I want to ease his burden but as he has explained to me when I do that I am being counterproductive and eventually everything I have bottled up inside is going to explode and even though I didn't mean to snap at him and be disrespectful that is what happened and how I get into major trouble. I try to put this front on that I am this strong and confident woman who can DO IT ALL but then eventually it comes crashing down on me. MG is my husband and my help mate and I need to learn how to allow him to help me and as he has said we need to work as a team to help each other so this is something I am working hard on because there is nothing more rewarding to see in his eyes of how proud he is of me when I do things the right way :) 
 

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